Monday, 15 March 2010

An Introspective

I graduate pretty soon. I have spent my entire time at university not enjoying myself and genuinely wishing that this day would come as soon as it possibly could. I didn't like uni, I could barely force myself to go in every day, it resulted in me being diagnosed with depression and being a general bastard to my friends, particularly my (now ex) girlfriend.

This is perilously close to turning into a livejournal post with me just feeling sorry for myself for a few hundred words but bear with me, I need to get this off my chest. The problem is that recently I've had somewhat of a revelation, an epiphany if you will. You see, I don't actually want to grow up.

Very soon, I will lose the opportunity to do various things forever: be in a society, dress up in fancy dress on a regular basis, be a summer school rep, get up at 4pm and think it 'early' and, as much as it pains me to admit it, never will I be surrounded by such cute and uninhibited women ever again.

The horrific part is that I never took any of these opportunities when I had them and now that I have merely a few weeks left at university I have no time to take any of them. I very much enjoyed my time with my long-term girlfriend and would not have changed any of it for anything, ever. Honestly. But part of me still wonders if I somehow 'missed out' by not spending my time at uni chasing young women up and down campus. God knows I have the rest of my life for long-term relationships.

I'm not doing particularly well academically this year, there's a real danger I might not pass some modules. This time last year I was awake at night being sick because of the worry over my exams and the possibility of failure but actually, I wouldn't mind failing at all this year. The prospect of being a university student, with the lifestyle and friends that I currently enjoy whilst only doing one or two modules is incredibly appealing. I could be in societies, write for the Courier, get involved with the volunteer's service and do all of the things that I missed out on doing over the past three years.

I have applied for what is practically my ideal job at the uni next year, and getting that would be a dream come true, not only would I have a job that I truly enjoyed, but I would be getting paid enough to start paying off my debts and, whilst I wouldn't still be a student, I would at least be at university. Hopefully that will allow me to pursue my interests and actually be productive.

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